The Way Things Weren't
by XxPoisonKissxX
Summary: Takes place 3 years before the attack on the colonies. Centered around Kara, Lee, and Zak. Angsty. Kara has a choice to make, which brother does she want?
1. Chapter 1

**The fanfic takes place before the attack on the 12 colonies (when Zak was still alive). It's about a little over 3 years before the attack. The fanfic is basically centered on Kara's view. Lee and Zak are the other 2 main characters.**

The Way Things Weren't Part 1:  
-"Drunken Meetings, Unexpected Greetings"-

Kara lay upon her back on the cold sheets of her military bunk. Her tired eyes could barely be kept open as sleep lured her nearer and nearer to it's dark, still home. This week had left her emotions and feelings distorted and torn. She longed for a time machine that could take her back a week prior to her drunken "accident".

She had frakked up and she had frakked up good. This week she had met a man in one of her usual bars. Over drinking had left her with an impaired judgment that had in turn, left her to deal with a mess. This drunken stupor had left her to wake in bed with a man named Zak Adama and the situation worsened later the morning after.

-----

Kara opened her eyes, unsure of her unfamiliar surroundings. She did not know the walls that currently surrounded her. She did not recognize the feel of the sheets she was under. She had wrapped her lips around the opening of a whiskey bottle and sucked up the alcohol like a leech sucks out life. This drinking left her with blurry memories and uncertainty about the events that transpired the night before.

The bright light hurt her eyes and made her squint in pain. She placed her hands on her forehead and heaved out a deep sigh. She rolled over on the bed and came to find that she was rolling over onto a man. Her mind was piecing together the entire puzzle to make a whole memory.

She lifted up the cotton sheets that revealed their lack of clothing to her. A cold breeze blew through the sheets, causing Kara to become cold. She left go of the sheets. "Frak me." She put her hands down by her sides and closed her eyes. Lovely. _This is just lovely, Kara._

She saw something beneath the covers stir and then she felt the warmth of another's hand touch hers. The man turned to lean upon his elbow and he looked at her in the eyes. Her beautiful, blonde hair and her gorgeous eyes shined with the blinding bright light. Of course the light was not that bright, it was simply the hang over both were experiencing. But no matter the brightness of the room, in this man's eyes, Kara was absolutely beautiful. "Why, I did that last night." Zak laughed.

Kara turned her head from the direction of Zak. What a great way to start the day. Kara didn't ever intend to sleep with this man. She couldn't even remember his name. Zane? Zarek? Zade? Kara rolled off the bed and looked for her clothes. She quickly put them back on as the man just stared in awe of her beauty.

"Look, I have to go. I'm supposed to be on duty in thirty minutes and it's likely I'll be late." Kara began to make her way to the door when she felt his arm stop her from moving. He pulled her back onto the bed and she looked him in the eyes. He smiled goofily and pulled her hair out from in front of her eyes, resting his hand upon her cheek. He slowly leaned in and kissed her. Sparks and passion were like an invisible wave that was ever present as their locked tongues exchanged warmth.

Kara pushed him away and got up. She wiped her lips on her arm to erase his taste on her lips. "Listen, I'm not trying to be mean, but this was a one-night thing and I really have to go." Kara opened the door to his apartment.

"Wait!" Zak got up and ran over to Kara. He touched his hands upon her waist and whispered in her ear, "Will I ever see you again?"

Kara pushed his away and walked out the door. She turned her head in his direction, "Not unless the gods will it" Kara slammed the door and left Zak alone.

Kara walked towards the elevator and breathed deeply. "Why do men have to make things so complicated?" Kara stepped into the elevator and was gone

------

Kara arrived at the military base 43 minutes late. Karl Agathon, call sign Helo, ran up to Kara. He had been her best friend since they both joined the military. They bonded and loved to have drinks and hang out. Karl patted Kara on the back.

"Karl," Kara looked queasy, "don't shake me."

Karl laughed. "Well someone is certainly hung over. Explains why you're so late."

She squinted her eyes in Karl's direction as the noise of vipers taking off drowned out Kara's "frak you." "Aren't you and Reaper supposed to be doing raptor tests?" Kara rubbed her head.

Helo went behind her and began to rub her shoulders. "Reaper called in sick today so I did my runs earlier."

Kara felt the tension release as he rubbed her shoulders. "Thanks Karl." Kara moved her neck from side to side.

"Forgot to mention what you'll be doing today." Karl stepped in front of Kara, blocking her path. Both stopped walking.

Kara sighed, "Nothing fun I bet." She closed her eyes and was holding back from throwing up. The loud vipers were killing her head.

Karl laughed, "We have new nuggets you'll be training. Flight instructions. Basic stuff. You'll be training the future pilots." Helo said in a fake optimistic tone.

Kara lowered her head, smiled, and said sarcastically, "Oh yes, my favorite thing ever."

"Hey, you did sign up to be a flight instructor after all." Helo grinned sort of mockingly.

"We all make bad decisions." Kara said this about both the flight instructor position and her one-night stand.

Helo turned left and walked off in the direction. He turned around, walking backwards, and yelled, "Got to go Kara. Don't drill the nuggets too hard." Off went Helo.

Kara breathed in and her head was pounding. She was very thirsty and walked over to get a water bottle. Captain Adama stood besides the cooler.

Kara smiled sheepishly, "Hello, Captain." Kara grabbed a water bottle and popped off the cap.

Lee grinned and looked in Kara's direction. "Lt. Thrace."

"How are you, Lee?" Kara turned to face him, a smile on her face. She gulped down the water like she had chugged down alcohol the night before.

"I'm fine. Some pilots are bitching as usual. Guess it makes me worse if I complain about complainers." Lee joked and had his goofy "thinking" face on.

Kara smiled. "I'd say so."

"Hey!" Lee laughed and looked up at Kara.

"Kidding, Captain."

"Shouldn't you be training the new rooks?"

Kara laughed, "Yes, sir. You and I both know I know my way around the cock pit."

Lee sighed, "I wish." He let out a laugh.

Kara faked shocked, "aw, now don't start getting mushy and saying you love me." Kara placed her hand on his chest and walked away. "Later, Captain."

"Bye, Lt." Lee smiled and watched Kara make her way to the prep room.

Kara made her way down the usual hall and entered the prep room. She paid no attention to the new faces but made her way to the podium, upon which had a list of names of the new recruits.

She cleared her throat and read the first name on the list. It was organized alphabetically. "Zak Adama." Kara was intrigued This Lee's brother? That would explain why the name is so familiar.

"Here, sir." Zak stood and smiled in her direction.

Kara looked up and realized it was the same guy from her one-night stand. Kara looked down, "Frak me."

Zak laughed, "You know the answer to that already."

-To be continued-


	2. Chapter 2: Confrontation

The Way Things Weren't Part 2:  
Confrontation

Kara glared in Zak's direction. Zak was still standing and looking at Kara with a lusting look. The door to the room slammed with a thud; the loud noise causing Kara and Zak to break their intense eye contact. Both of them looked in the direction of where the noise came from.

Lee entered the room with a smile on his face. Zak smiled at his brother and Lee smiled back. "So Zak, what's this answer to what question?" Lee inquired.

"Well--" Zak began.

Kara cut him off, "nothing of importance, sir." Kara smiled at Lee with a smile that was just meant to cover up her tryst with Zak the night before. Lee looked over at Zak who was shocked that Kara had just cut him off.

"I see." Lee stepped right beside Kara, waves of tension were coming off them both. Lee looked over at the confused Zak and could tell that there was more to this story than Kara was letting on.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Kara turned to look over her shoulder at Lee. She saw his eyes were full of questions, dying to be answered. She felt guilty about what had happened. Why was that though? Kara though to herself, "it's because it's LEE'S brother." She looked to the ground in shame.

Lee placed his hand upon Kara's shoulder, "Kara, are you okay?" Lee looked worried. Zak looked on at the two displaying affection with jealousy.

She shrugged it off, "I'm fine." Kara lied and Lee saw right through it but knew this was not the place to press on it.

"I'm actually here to make sure my brother doesn't do anything stupid. He's a bit of a moron." Lee joked.

"Har, har, har." Zak glared at Lee. He could see what was going on and it made him fill with jealousy.

"Don't take it so personally Zak." Lee smiled.

"Sir, I'm going to continue taking roll." Kara cleared her throat and began calling off names before Lee could even speak.

Lee didn't want to interrupt Kara, but he knew she was not okay. He looked at her with concern but knew that it was best they carry on with this later. Lee left the room and turned the corner. He decided he would wait for Kara to come out.

-Fifteen minutes later-

The nuggets left the prep room. Lee noticed that neither Zak nor Kara had exited. He approached the door and heard the dispute going on inside. Lee put his ear to the door and listened.

"Is that the reason you won't be with me?" Zak was holding onto Kara's arm.

"No." Kara glared at him once again. Her eyes were shooting hate beams in his direction.

"So are you telling me that you don't feel a thing for my brother?" Zak inquired. Lee was intrigued.

Kara cleared her throat and made Zak release her from his grasp. "That is none of your concern."

Lee perked up. He smiled at the possibility of him and Kara being together.

"Then let me take you out for a real date. I mean we've already had sex." Zak joked but Kara looked at him with more distaste.

Lee's face completely fell. He leaned into the wall and closed his eyes. "They've slept together?" Lee whispered. He was completely devastated. He had never said he loved her, but their continuous flirting had given him hope. Now that hope was completely shattered.

"No, Zak." Kara grabbed her paint-splattered coat and turned to face Zak. "I think you should leave."

Zak sighed and figured Kara's stubbornness would prevail. He exited the room in such a fury that he didn't see Lee standing right beside the door.

Kara came out of the prep room with a frustrated look on her face.

Lee grabbed Kara's arm with a tight grip. His soul was crushed, heart broken, and face cold. Kara knew he must have overheard her and Zak's spat. Kara felt a wave of deep shame erupt over her. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Did you sleep with Zak?" Lee's voice was serious.

Kara tried to fight back a guilty look and placed her mask on. Her face became emotionless as she answered, "Yes."

Lee let go of Kara's arm. He didn't know what to say. His heart was shattered; mind was racing. "Gods Kara." Lee looked at her with disappointment.

"What do you want from me Lee?" Kara looked at him with a hurt expression.

"It's not WHAT I want from you. It's what I want." Lee stepped closer to Kara, leaving them face-to-face. "And that's you." Lee looked at Kara.

Kara closed her eyes; the tension was too much for her. Lee leaned in and whispered in her ear, "But I guess you always want something that you can never have." Lee walked off leaving Kara to stew in her guilt.

-T.B.C.-


	3. Chapter 3: Unmentioned Other

Part Three  
"Unmentioned Other"

Kara walked on down the corridor; still shaken from her encounter with Lee. She was truly sorry. _"Classic frak up Kara Thrace."_ Kara mumbled under her breath. She closed her eyes and sighed as she continued on walking. _Crash! _Kara ran into someone else. She stumbled backward but was able to maintain balance before falling over.

A woman's hand reached out and helped her get her feet back on the ground. Kara looked up at a woman who was only three inches taller than her. The woman had beautiful, sparkling green eyes and gorgeous dirty blonde hair. Her face was not as beautiful but her eyes and hair really stood out. Her face was smudged with viper grease.

"Sorry." Kara looked at this woman wondering who the frak she was. _Is she a new knuckle dragger?___

"Oh, I'm fine. Are you okay?" The woman surveyed Kara to make sure she was not injured.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Note to self: watch where I'm walking next time." Kara smiled.

The woman laughed. "I'm Lindsey." She extended her hand to Kara. "The new Chief of the Knuckle draggers." She joked.

Kara grabbed Lindsey's hand and shook it. "I'm Lt. Kara Thrace."

"I was looking for Captain Adama." She inquired.

Kara gave her a questioning look and laughed, "his viper busted or something?"

Lindsey gave her an odd look, "Uh, no. I'm his girlfriend."

Kara was shocked. She didn't know that Lee even had a girlfriend. This was certainly not what she expected. She cleared her throat before beginning, "Girlfriend?"

Lindsey looked at her funny, "Um, yeah. We've been together for almost a year now. Surprised he hasn't mentioned it. He called for my transfer."

"Guess you can break regulations if you're the Commander's son." Kara joked. Lindsey just stared at her. Still reeling from the news this was Lee's girlfriend, she broke the awkward conversation, "Well I didn't know Lee had a girlfriend." Her voice was softer as she was getting lost in thought. "I don't know where Captain Adama is. Sorry." Kara looked over Lindsey's shoulder and saw Zak at the end of the corridor. He was talking to Karl and they were both laughing. "ZAK!" Kara called him over.

Zak turned in Kara's direction and ran over to her. "Did you change your mind or are you wanting to yell at me?" Zak gave her an unsure look.

"Changed my mind. How about we leave right now for some drinks? I could really use about 20." Kara smiled.

"Sure, let me just go get my things." Zak turned in Lindsey's direction. "Oh, hey! Nice seeing you, Lindsey." Zak smiled and ran off to go get his stuff.

Kara extended her hand, "nice meeting you."

Lindsey smiled and shook Kara's hand. They then parted ways.

Zak came back and put his arm around Kara's shoulder; one hand was holding his coat over his shoulder, the other locked fingers with Kara's. Zak whispered in Kara's ear, "don't tell me you have to get wasted to sleep with me." Zak laughed.

"I just really need a drink. I hope this time, I'll actually use my mouth for talking." Kara laughed. Zak leaned in and kissed her. He looked on in the direction they were heading and Kara's face fell back into sadness.

-T.B.C.-


	4. Chapter 4: First Date

Part Four  
"First Date"

Zak sat beside Kara at the bar, his hand on her lap. Kara's head was tilted back as she was laughing really loud. She was, apparently, getting very drunk. Zak had a huge grin on his face. "Glad you found that funny." Zak smiled as he spoke sarcastically.

Kara shook her head, "No, no...no no no, it's cute." Kara gulped down another shot. "Really, really cute." Kara smile was radiant.

"So has you opinion of me changed at all?" Zak smiled. He raised his shot glass and crossed his arms with Kara's. They clinked their glasses together and each took another chug.

Kara gave a sour faced look and grinned, "Well, your not 'that guy from last night' or 'Lee's baby brother' anymore." Kara laughed in his face. Ambrosia lingered off her breath.

"_Baby? Baby_ brother?" Zak scoffed. He pretended to be insulted which just made Kara laugh more. "I'm only a year younger than you." Zak leaned in closer to Kara.

"Well, I like 'em young." She leaned in, now Zak and Kara were nose to nose. "And I like them in uniform." Kara put on a fake thinking face. "Or maybe I like them out of uniform." Kara teased.

"So we've talked for four hours and I've already got you under my spell." He joked.

She leaned in and kissed him, their tongues locked in passion. Kara was surprised by the turn out of their date. She hadn't smiled so much in a long time. "Well, I still have you under my finger." She pulled away from him. "I'm still the one in control." She smiled a toothy smile. She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed.

"Well, I _do_ have no uniform in my apartment." He ran his fingers through Kara's hair. It was shining from the lights in the bar.

"Trying to seduce me, nugget?" She faked a shocked look and laughed; she was unable to keep a straight face.

"Yes ma'am." He put his hand down on her cheek. "Maybe it's _me_ that's under _your_ spell." He smiled.

"How about we go to my messy apartment?" She put her face on the side of his cheek and rubbed up against it. Turning her mouth to his ear she whispered, "I have a no uniform outfit in my apartment also." She bit his ear.

He pulled her closer and kissed her. Then, he lifted her off the bar stool and carried her out of the bar. "Where do you live?" He laughed.

-T.B.C.-


	5. Chapter 5: Wrong Face, Wrong Time

Part 5:  
"The Wrong Face, the Wrong Time"

Kara unlocked the door to her apartment with a huge smile on her face. Zak had his hands on her shoulders, anxiously waiting what was in store. She kicked open the apartment door. The door swung backward and slammed into the wall. "Welcome to my shit hole." Kara turned and grinned.

Zak followed Kara into her apartment. On the wall to the left of the door was a gigantic painting of a circular design. It covered up a portion of the wall and was the only painting there. It appeared to not be finished. "What's that?" Zak questioned, pointing to the symbol.

Kara looked at the drawing Zak was pointing to and gave a puzzled look. "I'm not sure." Kara said with uncertainty.

Zak gave her a funny look, "How can you not know?"

Kara turned around, now facing Zak. She stepped as close to him as she could without touching him. She teased and reached around behind him to shut the door. "It's a design I've drawn since I was young. To me, it's a symbol of what's to come and what's been. The Gods' scriptures say 'All of this has happened before and all of this will happen again'. If that were true, wouldn't we know when the cycle of time restarts?" Kara began walking down the stairs. "I don't know why I drew it so long ago though." Her feet hit each step with a thud.

"Very religious I take it?" Zak smiled.

"Yes. That design has been bothering me though. I've been dreaming of it every night for the past week but all my dreams, all I can remember is that single sign. I guess it's just one of those things that don't have an explanation." Kara took her jacket off and threw it on the couch.

Zak walked down the stairs, his fingers barely touching the railing. Kara awaited his arrival. She felt his warm fingers run across her waist. She closed her eyes and grinned. She felt his head lay upon her shoulder and she laughed. His hands ran up her waist to her chest and sat there.

Kara wrapped her hands around behind her and moved her hands down from his chest to the beginning of his jeans. She then unzipped them and turned around. Her fingers finding their way to his button. He began taking off his shirt. Kara pulled down his pants with a wide grin. He pulled off Kara's shirt over her head and held her close.

He kissed her ear as Kara ran her fingers across his chest. She looked up and saw Lee's face. She blinked repeatedly, trying to shake him off her mind. She saw Zak's face when she opened her eyes and smiled. He gently grazed her left breast and turned her around.

Kara kept seeing Lee as Zak every time she opened her eyes. She closed them for a minute and pushed Zak up against the wall. She clicked the on switch on the radio. The music blaring.

_"I think I'm drowning" _The song drowning out all other sound.

Kara shoved him harder into the wall.

_"I wanna break the spell, that you've created"___

Kara opened her eyes and saw Lee. She dug her nails into his back and pulled off her pants.

_"you're something beautiful, a contradiction"__  
_  
Zak wrapped his arms around Kara's shoulders and lifted her up on top of him. He pulled her face closer to him and kissed her sweetly.

_"I wanna play the game, I want the friction_"_  
_  
Kara looked at Zak in the eyes and all she could see was Lee. She smiled at him and he returned the smile.

_"you will be, the death of me"__  
_  
Kara kissed him, shoving her tongue down his throat. Zak let her down and Kara wrapped her arms around his back. She took off her shoes with her feet and pushed Zak onto the couch. She jumped on top of Zak and all she could see was Lee. Lee's face, his body, her want. Predator looking at her prey.

_"how did it come to this?"_


	6. Chapter 6: Love Like Water

Part Six  
"Love Like Water"

Kara opened her eyes and felt the cold of the ground on her back. Light was leaking in from one of the windows but it barely lit the dark room. Kara turned and looked at the clock which read 6 30 a.m. "Shit." Kara laid back down on her back, her naked body next to Zak's. Somewhere during their intimate sex, they had rolled off the small couch. Kara put her hands on her forehead and rubbed them. She sighed deeply, her mind racing. She liked Zak, true; but she couldn't help but think of Lee throughout the entire time last night. Kara was unsure as to whether she slept with Zak because she liked him like that, or if it was because Lee was already taken with someone else. _Did I do this just in spite of Lee? Was this simply to get even with him?_ Kara rolled over and headed towards her room. _Or was it because Lee hurt me?_ She made her way into the bathroom by the side of the master bedroom.

She pulled out a towel from the closet and turned on the water. She looked at herself in the mirror and frowned. Her messy hair, her tired eyes, a drunken mind. The mirror began to steam up from the hot water. She placed the towel upon the counter and opened up the sliding door to the shower. She stepped in, her cold feet and body chilled by the very hot water. She stood there and let the water wash over her; erasing with it her thoughts of Lee, her sweat from the night before, her pain. She wanted nothing more than to cry but she would not permit herself to do so. _What a beautiful mess I'm in._ Kara thought to herself.

She grabbed a bottle of shampoo and began cleaning her hair. The water continued trickling down her bare body, the warmth, and the water. She imagined that Lee were there beside her, that he were in the shower with her. She smiled. Lee was like the water in the shower, he was everywhere and all over her. He was the one who cleaned her off and kept her in line. He was the one who made her feel the warmth. She rinsed off the shampoo from her hair and reached over for the soap. She began wishing that Lee were here. She could feel his gentle hands caress her hips. His tender lips kissing the back of her neck. She could feel him behind her. She could feel his memory lingering like a haunting ghost that would not allow her a moment's peace.

She could feel him though he was not there. She could taste him though they had never kissed. She could see his face so clearly though it was only a fantasy, a dream, a want, a need. She ran her fingers across her wet lips and wished he would kiss her so sweetly. She wished she could taste what was forbidden to her. The water ran down her face, across her back, across her breasts. But as water comes, it also exits through the drain. Always there yet always gone in the end. Lee was the unattainable dream. But was he really so unattainable? Kara shut off the water and opened the door. She grabbed the towel from the counter and dried herself off.

She wrapped the towel around her chest and walked over to her dresser. She pulled out a dark and a light gray tank top, a black bra, etc. Within a few minutes, she was dressed. She made her way back towards the living room and grabbed the keys from the ground. Zak lay fast asleep, probably trying to drink off the alcohol. She put on her paint-splattered jacket and made her way up the stairs, her fingers lightly touching the railing. Her other hands was grazing the side of the wall. As she reached the top of the stairs, she looked back down at Zak. She saw Lee, but then she saw him fade into Zak. She blinked and closed her eyes. She wished she had said something to Lee a long time ago. She wished she could be with him.

She turned around and opened the door. She slammed it shut, leaving Zak in her apartment. Zak awoke at the loud thud of the door and knew that Kara was gone.

Kara walked down the hallway fast, hoping Zak would not attempt to catch up with her. She turned the corner and saw the stairs to exit the building, a drip of water falling from her hair to the concrete.

-T.B.C-


	7. Chapter 7: The Games We Play

Kara turned off her car and pulled the key out. She was wearing her black sunglasses to mask her bloodshot eyes. Her hair was still wet from not being dried after her shower. Kara opened up her door and looked out the window as she did so. She sighed at the sight she saw: Lee and Lindsay together. Kara was to meet up with the new nuggets and train them the basics of viper controls. To her misfortune, Lee and Lindsay were right in her path to the vipers. She pulled her other foot out of the car and hopped out. Her paint splattered jacket sat in the passengers seat. She reached over and picked it up. _Slam!_ The car door shut hard. Kara was taking out her frustrations at the entire situation.

She began to make her way towards Lee and Lindsay, trying her best to ignore them. Though she tried to block them from her mind, they were all she saw. She pretended that it didn't phase her, but the thought of him with her was getting under her skin. She imagined they didn't exist yet they were all she could think about. She sighed out in anger and was fast approaching the two.

Lee saw Kara walking towards them and turned his head towards Lindsay. He tried to pretend Kara wasn't there. He tried to focus only on Lindsay but all he could think about was Kara. Snapping back to reality, he saw Lindsay looking at him with a confused look on her face. "Yeah, I understand." Lee placed his hands upon the sides of her shoulders.

Lindsay smiled, "Good." She leaned in and kissed him.

Kara passed right by Lee and Lindsay as they began to lock lips. Kara glared at him and then looked away. Lee saw her discontent. His face fell immediately after Kara passed them. Feeling terrible, he pried Lindsay off him and smiled. "I have to talk to Lt. Thrace." He kissed her on the forward. "I'll talk to you later. We'll go and have lunch."

She grinned and looked up at him, "okay."

Lee kissed her one more time and ran off after Kara. Making his way down the hallway, he saw Kara a few feet away and called to her, "KARA!" He walked faster to catch up to her.

Kara heard him and flinched for a moment but continued her brisk pace. She didn't want to talk to him.

"KARA!" Lee called again but again, she ignored him. "KARA!" He grew impatient as he called to her through shallow breaths.

She stopped and threw her hands up. She turned in his direction with a pissed off look on her face. "What the frak do you want, Lee?" Kara's eyes narrowed, hate spilling out of them. "Oh and don't say 'you' because that's a bunch of bull shit. I met Lindsay yesterday. You know? Your girlfriend. You left that out for what was it, oh yeah, a year. She's a sweet girl. Wonder what she's doing with an ass like you." Kara got up in Lee's face. Her eyes showed her hurt and frustration, only making Lee feel worse and angry at the same time.

"Like you are in any position to lecture me! You slept with my **brother**!" He stepped right up in her face.

Kara looked like she was about to punch him. "Does it matter? First off, you had a girlfriend you neglected to mention BEFORE I ever slept with Zak. Secondly, I didn't know he was your brother."

"Oh, gee Kara. The name Adama should be quite familiar to you." Lee laughed in a teasing manner.

"We were both drunk. It was a one-night thing." Kara looked down in guilt.

"Oh, even better." Lee's eyes were angry.

Kara stepped even closer in his face. "Don't you blame me for anything. You. You. YOU have had a girlfriend. You had your frakking chance and ya blew it."

Lee laughed. "Yeah, had my chance when? In between your one-night stands with the majors from wherever and the guys you picked up in bars?"

Kara slapped him. "Did it ever occur to you I was just trying to make you jealous?" Kara had lied about more than half the people she said she had slept with.

Lee felt horrible. His guilt kicking back in. "Look Kara, I'm sorry." Lee's apology was sincere.

Kara looked down and backed off. "There's nothing you can say that can make it alright." Kara walked off, leaving Lee feeling terrible.

Zak saw Lee and Kara fighting and Kara slapping Lee. He ran up past Lee and caught up to Kara. He put his hands on her hips and smiled. "Hey."

Kara pushed him off her and frowned, "I know you're new to military but relationships between two officers are strictly prohibited." Kara began walking again.

Lee watched Zak and Kara in jealousy. He was not in earshot but he could see how Zak touched her and it killed him but he knew he was to blame for his own misery.

Zak grabbed Kara by the arm and pushed her into the nearest room. It was empty. Kara looked down at the ground and Zak grabbed her chin and made her look at him. Her eyes were hurt, "we can't do this."

Zak smiled, "we've already done this." He leaned in and kissed her soft, sweet lips.

Kara looked up at him and frowned, "no Zak _I_ can't do this." Kara pushed him off her and walked out the door.

Lee had gone back to talking to Lindsay when Kara and Zak came out of the room. Kara saw them together and her frustration rose. Zak pushed her into the walls and looked at her with a serious face. "I want you, Miss Thrace."

Kara looked up at him and smiled coyly. She pushed him into the other side of the wall and kissed him. "We're going to get in so much trouble for this. Then again, I was never one for following the rules."

Zak laughed as he pulled Kara closer. "My dad's the commander. I'm sure he'd let me slide."

Lee looked over and saw Kara and Zak together. He frowned and Kara looked over and saw Lee's jealousy. She smiled. _I'm winning._


	8. Chapter 8: Like Getting Hit By a Train

Part 8:  
"Like Getting Hit By a Train"

Kara was walking around on the military base, looking around at all the busy people going on in their daily routine. Everyone seemed so consumed in what they were doing that it was almost as if all these people didn't know that anyone around them even existed. Like bees in a hive all working for the same function yet all the bees never spoke to each other and hardly acknowledged the others existence. Some talked, some laughed and joked, but it was obvious that most of these people didn't care for the other. A passing glace, a friendly wave, but no in depth conversations and no invitations to hang out after work or to go drinking. These people thought of one another as a co-worker or competition.

Kara sighed and walked around. She was on her lunch break but she wasn't in the least bit hungry. The sun was still blazing down so Kara put back on her sunglasses. Suddenly, she felt something grip her arm and throw her into the nearest hangar room. It was dark where she was and she didn't know who was holding her. She felt his leg in between hers. She felt his body pressing up on hers. His left arm was pushed into the wall and he was leaning into her. She opened her mouth and breathed out deeply. The man brought his fingers from her waist on up to her breasts and kissed her. His tongue touching hers, his body up on hers. She was still in so much shock, she didn't bother to see who it was. She just closed her eyes and enjoyed the taste and the touch.

The man took his hand that was on the wall and slid it down. He grabbed her ass, causing her to lose balance and fall into the wall. Kara let out a pained sigh and opened her eyes. Her mouth was still open, awaiting what she was going to recieve. She looked on, shocked by who was in front of her. He whispered in her ear, "Do you love him, Kara?"

Kara closed her eyes, fighting back her tears. She pushed herself off the wall and pressed herself harder into him, "I love you, Lee." Kara put her hand on the back of his head and pulled his head down lower towards her. She ran her fingers through his hair and smiled coyly. The thought of Zak popped into her head and this thought brought on the same sudden feeling as if she had just been hit by a train. Kara closed her eyes but the feeling still lingered.

Lee closed his eyes and whispered to her, "Then what do you say, Lt?" The thought of being with Kara made him smile.

A tear came down Kara's eye. It streamed down her cheek and she breathed slowly to calm herself down. "I--" Her voice was shaking. "We can't do this." Kara pushed Lee off her and frowned. "Not to Zak. Not to Lindsay." Kara passed Lee and started to walk off when Lee grabbed her arm and spun her around into him. Their faces were close, their noses touching. The tension was in the air and both of them could feel it. Lee kissed Kara again, sparks flying and emotions running high.

Lee leaned down and whispered softly, "Tell me you don't love me. Just say it and I'll leave." Lee closed his eyes.

Kara remained quiet. She tried to speak but her mind and her heart were conflicting. She knew it was wrong to even be there with Lee. She may not be in a relationship with Zak but Lee was his brother and there was a line that you should know not to cross and that was the big, big, big red line that had yellow caution tape all over it. Kara was driving down a street with signs reading, "DANGER, DANGER" and still she wanted to drive forward but her mind wouldn't let her. She sighed, "I don--" Kara couldn't bring herself to say it. She closed her eyes and a tear came down her face again, "I don--. I just can't do this. Not like this." Kara kissed him softly and whispered. "I love you, Lee."

Kara pushed him away and ran off out of the building. The sinking feeling of being hit by a train was building up. Actually, it was more like she had been hit by a train and her body was then run over by a semi-truck. Her mind was racing, her heart breaking and all she could do was try to carry on like she was okay; like she didn't just kill herself by doing that. In truth, she was the one who hit herself with the train. A very, very large train.


	9. Chapter 9: Complex

Kara arrived at her viper and inspected it from side to side. Her name and call sign were on the left. The call of the flight lured her closer and nearer to the viper. She placed her hands upon the left wing and slid her fingers across the cold, metal surface. The smooth feel, the dirty, white paint, the nameplate reading Kara "Starbuck" Thrace. Flying. Being a viper pilot came naturally for her. She closed her eyes and walked around the viper, her hands gently running along the side. She began to think of the mess she had made of her life. She longed to just jump into the cockpit and fly. Fly away from the complex emotions and away from all of this.

"What a loser." A man's voice spoke out jokingly and interrupted Kara's quiet thinking. He laughed and Kara knew who it was without even turning around.

A smile crossed her face. She laughed and spoke out to him, "Like your one to talk, Karl." She opened her eyes and turned to face him. Big grins were on both their faces; like painted masks. Kara tilted her head a bit to the right and squinted her eyes. "You look almost normal at this angle." They laughed in unison.

He sighed and looked at her seriously, "What are you doing, Kara?" He crossed his arms and looked at her confused. "Not petting a viper now are you? That would make you worse than me." He laughed.

Kara smiled and turned back to the viper. She stared at it intently. "Flying vipers is the only thing I'm really good at." A smile came upon her face and as soon as it came, it fell.

Karl chuckled. He cleared his throat and looked at the ground. "That and drinking. Oh, and picking up guys. We can't forget sex either." He checked Kara out; looking her up and down.

"Keep your eyes where I can see them." She pointed her finger up and smiled.

"You can't see me though." 

"As if I don't know what your doing." She turned her head and stuck out her tongue at him. "Eh, I'm immature, so sue me." She tilted her head and shrugged. She refocused her eyes on the viper. "We're also going to ignore the sex comment." 

"Statement's still true." He cleared his throat. "So what's the matter, Kara?" He stepped closer in Kara's direction.

Kara closed her eyes at the sound of his approaching footsteps. She inhaled slowly and exhaled quickly. "I'm a complex person. I make everything in my life so complicated. Nothing is ever simple. And sure as hell, nothing is easy. Everything changes. Flying. Flying is the one simple, constant, and easy thing in my life." Kara opened her eyes and frowned. "Guys are morons, rules just beg me to break them, and I have those serious, unrecoverable mommy issues." 

"Your mom called?" He took another step closer and gave her a questioning look.

"Bitch found out I was in the military. She looked me up and got my number. Been getting calls every day for the past two weeks. Says she has something 'important' to tell me." 

"You'll be fine. You can either ignore your mother, or give her a call. Or if you aren't a phone person, you could always drop by and surprise her. Up to you." He took another step forward. "Let me guess, Lee is driving you crazy and you're in trouble with command again..." Helo stepped again, this step bringing him right behind her. He placed his hands upon her shoulders and Kara closed her eyes.

"Right on one of the two, except I think I'm making Lee crazier." She raised her eyebrows and smiled. Both she and Karl laughed. "And I slept with Zak Adama twice and I could get in a lot of trouble if command finds out." She exhaled loudly.

Helo rubbed Kara's shoulders and leaned right beside her. He whispered into her ear, "Well we all know you, Kara. You don't give a frak about rules. Don't you say that they're made to be broken?" He smirked and Kara grinned.

"Yep. That's me."

"And Zak, either give the dog a bone or kick him to the curb. He's been making puppy dog eyes at you all day. You got him whipped." Helo let go and stopped massaging her back. "I got to go before the nuggets come in. Supposed to be meeting Reaper today. Lazy frak actually showed up." Karl laughed.

"Later." 

"Bye." And Karl exited the area.

Kara kept her eyes closed and listened the silence. It was broken by the noise of the nuggets entering. She put on a sinister smile and turned to face them. "Welcome to hell, nuggets. I'm your flight instructor. We met before. My name is Kara Thrace. Remember it. You, my little nuggets, will call me God. When God speaks, your going to listen. Don't speak unless I speak to you. You mess up in a viper, you die. You die, then the knuckle draggers will have to spray the remains of your body out of the cockpit. That task would inconvenience them so I suggest you guys not frak up." Kara's eyes widened and she turned back to the viper.

"Damn, she's hot." One of the nuggets nudged Zak and smirked. 

"Yeah. She is." Zak said with those puppy dog eyes.


	10. Chapter 10: Slipped Away

Kara was sitting in the cockpit of her viper, teaching the nuggets the basic controls. Lee came up behind Zak and put his right hand upon Zak's left shoulder. Zak turned his head to Lee and smiled. Both watched Kara. Kara saw Lee enter the area but she chose to act as if she hadn't. "Remember that and you may just live." Kara put on a crazy look.

Lee cleared his throat and took his hand off Zak's shoulder. He stepped up past Zak and called to Kara, "Lt. Thrace. A word?" Kara began to hop out of her viper. Her crazy look turned to one of frustration.

"Sure, Captain." Her feet hit the ground with a loud smack. She let out a sigh and made her way over in his direction.

Instead of stopping to talk to Lee, she turned and went over to Zak. Zak had been watching the two with jealousy in his eyes. She arrived in front of him and leaned into his body. She placed her mouth to his ear and whispered softly, "See ya tonight, nugget. My place. Eight p.m." She smiled coyly. All the nuggets watched in confusion. Many tried to hear what it was she was saying, but none did. Lee frowned and turned his eyes to the ground.

Zak coughed and stood at attention. "Yes, sir." He grinned widely at her.

"Nuggets, your dismissed." Kara said sternly. The tense nuggets relaxed and exited the area, including Zak. This left Kara and Lee alone.

Lee stepped behind Kara and looked at her with longing eyes. His body yearned for her tender touch. He closed his eyes and Kara did so too. He tilted his head to the side and Kara could sense him. Even though they weren't physically touching, both could feel one another. Kara tilted her head the other way and backed up a bit into him. Lee placed his hands upon her shoulders and inhaled her in like she was a drug that got him high.

Kara broke his contact with her and turned around to face him. She looked him straight in the eyes; her heart was racing. She darted her eyes to the ground. "We can't do this, Lee. They don't deserve it. Lindsey, Zak. They don't. I may be frak-up Kara Thrace but I'm not that frakked up. There are some lines you don't cross and that's one of them." Kara's eyes welled with tears that would not fall. Her voice became unsteady. She fixed her eyes upon the ground, trying to avoid all eye contact with him. If she were to look into his eyes, she knew she would cave. The walls she had created would crumble before her.

Lee stepped closer to Kara. "So they don't deserve it. Your right." Lee nodded his head. "They don't." He tenderly placed his hands upon her soft cheek and a small tear fell down her face. Lee wiped it away with his finger and lifted her face to his eye level, forcing her to look up at him. She turned her eyes to the side, unwilling to cave into his eyes. "But everyone deserves to be happy, Kara." Lee pulled her body closer to his. She placed her hands softly upon his lower back. She closed her eyes. Lee grabbed her and backed her into the darkness of the room. He pulled her head back and kissed her exposed neck with his sweet lips. He pushed her up onto one of the tables and pushed away the viper repair tools. She moved her hands up from his lower back to the top of his head. She opened her eyes and leaned his head back by pulling on his hair.

Lee slowly pulled off Kara's jacket and wrapped his arms around her, gently placing his hands upon her back. He breathed her in as she breathed in him. Kara sweetly kissed his ear and rubbed the side of her face upon his cheek. Kara inhaled slowly and could feel Lee's warmth. He put his hand up and waited for hers. He locked his fingers with hers and she bit her lip. They looked into each other's eyes as if the entire world had disappeared.

She grabbed him by the chin and kissed him, wrapping her hand around the back of his neck. A pilot entered the room and coughed. It was Helo's ECO, Reaper. Lee and Kara looked over at him guiltily. "Captain, your needed elsewhere. Lindsey said she needed your help, sir. Kara, Zak's looking for you." Reaper's eyes were darting all over the place, avoiding the intertwined Kara and Lee.

Kara and Lee coughed and cleared their throats. Kara pushed Lee away and hopped off the table. She walked right past him and whispered, "Told you. It can't be done."

Lee sighed and remained there with Reaper in an awkward silence. Lee saw Kara's jacket she had left behind. He quickly grabbed it and briskly walked past Reaper. Reaper just stood there in shock of what he had just witnessed. Then he laughed and walked away.

Lee briskly chased after Kara, hoping to return her jacket. Hoping to breathe her in again. Dreaming of tasting her once more. He saw her walking, faster and further away from him. He began to get ready to run after her when Lindsey stepped in front of him.

"Lindsey?!" Lee looked at her with a shocked and preoccupied look. Part of him wanted to move her out of his way and continue with the chase after Kara.

"Hey, honey. I need your advice on what to do with the knuckle draggers. Some of them are dragging ass and not listening. I think it's since I'm the new Chief. I was wondering if maybe the Cap'n could kick them into shape." Lindsey placed her hand on his chest and smiled.

"Uh, sure." Lee wasn't listening. He was paying more attention on Kara who was slowly slipping away from him.

Kara turned and saw Lee with Lindsey. Her face showed hurt but then she decided that instead of feeling hurt, she would be tough. She smiled and walked off. Lee saw Kara's initial reaction of sorrow. His face fell and in that moment, when she smiled, he knew he had lost her. She had slipped away.


	11. Chapter 11: Silent Goodbye

Kara made her way to her parked jeep. She was exhausted from a day's work of trying to avoid both Lee and Lindsey. Her shoes hit the tar ground, creating a clapping sound as she walked. She tuned out all noise except for the loud claps. Her hair fell into her face as she turned her eyes to the ground. A cold breeze blew by and Kara loved the feel. She placed her hands in her pockets to keep them warm and continued on her way; her jeep coming closer and closer.

She watched her feet as they quickly approached her vehicle. _I could use a drink. Or six._ She thought to herself; the first time today she had enough peace and quiet to think. Finally, she arrived at her car. She felt around her pocket for her keys, but they weren't there. It was then she realized she wasn't wearing her jacket. _Dammit._ Her mind flashed to a few hours earlier when Lee had ripped it off.

She turned her back to the vehicle and slid down its cold, metal surface. Her tired eyes slowly closed. Kara tilted her head backward and let it gently hit the keep. A moment later, something landed upon her face, turning everything dark. She placed her fingers upon it and felt the leather material. It was her jacket. A smile crossed her face as she pulled it off to see who stood before her. Her smile fell upon seeing who it was.

He crossed his arms and looked down at her. "Don't know how far you'd get without your keys." He let out a laugh and moved to stand beside her.

Kara inhaled slowly, wanting to get in her car and drive away. Drive far and fast, leaving all of this behind. Her body wouldn't move though; paralyzed. Words were forming in her mind but she didn't know which ones to say. Her body finally moved and she picked herself up off the ground. Her back was turned to him. She stood there, frozen for a second. She could feel his presence; sense his longing. The tension rising in the air but Kara didn't want to talk and he knew not to push her.

She faced him now, their eyes locking but he turned away. He fidgeted a bit and darted his eyes back to her. Kara let out a sigh and put on her jacket. He just looked at her with eyes of yearning as she reached into her jacket and slowly pulled out her car keys. She slid the key in and unlocked the door. The man just stood on, watching her leave. He was letting her go, but she was already gone.

Kara hopped into her vehicle and turned it on. The dormant car roaring to life as this moment was killing Kara's. The noise of the running engine was the only noise around. The man stood in front of her window and tapped on the glass. She turned to look at him but decided against rolling down her window. He placed his palm upon the glass and softly pressed his fingers down. The glass was the visible wall between the two of them. A fence, a border, a line that separated them. So fragile and so delicate, it could easily be shattered.

He smiled but his eyes were filled with sorrow. Kara turned her head around to see if any cars were pulling out behind her. She looked at him one last time and drove off, leaving him alone once again. He turned his head down to the ground. Lee and Kara both knew, this was their goodbye.


	12. Chapter 12: Crumbling Walls

(Side note: A year has passed since the last part)

The day after Kara and Lee silently parted ways, Lee had been reassigned to another base. Kara didn't know whether this was his choice or if he had been given orders to do so. She never saw him after that day so she never had the chance to ask him. Lindsey left a month or so later, leaving the base for Zak and Kara to destroy. A year had past since that day in the parking lot and so many things had changed.

Kara hadn't seen or spoken to Lee since the day in the parking lot. She always thought about calling him, thought about talking to him, but then she would hang up the phone. The fear of rejection too great for her. Sometimes, she would wonder if she ever crossed his mind, but then this thought would leave hers. Zak moved in with Kara seven months after Lee was reassigned. Three months after that, he proposed to her. They had grown closer and Kara had let down some of the walls she had built to let love in. 

Zak saw Lee every once in a while and offered for Kara to come along but she always stayed at her apartment. She was usually painting or writing poetry, her guilty pleasures. When Zak mentioned Lee, she'd act like she didn't care when really, her heart skipped beats and her mind raced. She'd try to change the topic or she'd lean in and kiss him so he would shut up.

Kara was sitting down on her couch and looking up at the ceiling. "How about, 'Hey dad, going to get break a lot of rules and regulations but I'm going to get married to my hot ass flight instructor. Hope you don't mind.'" Kara laughed and Zak chuckled.

Zak was holding a pen, trying to think up what to tell his dad. He had mentioned he was seeing someone, but he had yet to tell his dad who she was and what it was she did. "Uh, how about no?" She turned her eyes to him and saw him smile.

Kara stood up and walked over to where Zak was sitting. She pushed back his chair and sat down upon his lap. She gently placed her hands behind his head and grinned. Zak smiled wider, "Don't know how this'll help me write the letter." He breathed her in, breathing in her sweetness. "More of a distraction...don't you say?" He closed his eyes and put his lips to her ear.

"Hmmm. I'd say so." She smiled coyly. "Why haven't you told your dad already? You've had the time."

Zak sighed, "See, I thought you were the one who wanted to keep everything quiet because of military regulations forbidding such things..." He laughed.

"Yeah, but I don't want to send the Commander an invitation to our wedding when he doesn't know who I am or anything about me. Don't know how well that would go over." She tried to keep a straight face but started laughing.

"Well, I'm sure my dad will love you. Always said how much he had always wanted a daughter in the family. Plus, how could he resist your lovely eyes? Your beautiful smile...Your gorgeous hair." Zak ran his hand through her blonde hair. "Your soft touch." He softly kissed her hands.

"No offense, but I don't want to touch your dad like that." Kara and Zak laughed in unison. Then the awkward silence set in at the thought. Zak put on a disgusted face and Kara coughed. 

"Anyways...you are going to invite your dad?" Zak saw Kara's face immediately fall.

"Uh, no." She looked away from him and pulled back a bit.

"Oh, I just thought...I mean, you play his piano tape. I just thought..." His voice trailed off at the end. 

"I just--I can't." She sighed.

"Your mother?"

Kara's face suddenly turned from sorrow to anger. "She's dead."

Zak felt as if he'd just started walking over thin ice. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm not." She smiled and kissed him.

"Well, I'm going to write this letter to my dad. Lee wanted to see me sometime. Catch up, you know?" Kara looked down. "I thought we could tell him...together. It would mean a lot to me." He lifted her chin up so she would look at him.

Kara's mind was racing. She cleared her throat and smiled. "Okay. We both have the day off tomorrow. Maybe he could go meet up with us at Caprica City Park and we could play football. Have a picnic." Her smile was falling but she remained calm.

"Okay. I'll call him later." He quickly kissed Kara and went to finish writing his letter.

That glass, that fragile wall that separated her from Lee was slowly cracking. Each moment another broken shard. The boundaries they had made were about to be crossed and every red line she had made was about to be destroyed. The glass was going to shatter.


	13. Chapter 13: Cracked

Kara was in ready position, ready to take on Zak in a game of football. She smiled devilishly. _I'm going to kick his frakking ass._ _Bring it._ She was laughing in her mind. She already knew she was going to win, even if he didn't go easy. _He better not go easy, I'm not._ She placed her hand in the grass and waited for him to move.

He laughed at how competitive she was getting._ She is totally going to try and kill me out there. Let's see her try. _He smiled at her and winked. He stood there a second and paused.

Kara grew impatient, "Hey, stop stalling. Just accept that you're going to get murdered out there and start the frakking game." She laughed and he shook his head. He took off running and Kara immediately rammed herself into him, tackling him before he could get three steps out of his starting position. She grabbed her shoulder in pain.

"FRAK!" Kara gripped it tighter, her shoulder throbbing in her hand.

"Gods, what the frak are you made of? Gods..."Zak clutched his side, trying to laugh but immediately hurting. Kara dropped on top of him and smiled. He placed his palm on her cheek as she laid her head down upon his chest. They laid there in the soft grass, staring up at the blue sky and lovely clouds.

"I love you." She grinned.

Zak laughed. "Well, right now, I'm still in pain." She laughed. "But I love you too.

Kara got up off him and found Lee standing behind her. He stood with an expression of longing on his face. His face immediately showed how unhappy he was and Kara frowned. She stopped laughing. "Hi, Lee." She didn't dare try to hug him and was afraid to extend out her hand and have it rejected.

Lee stepped closer and Kara couldn't breathe. Suffocating. Though they were apart, it was like there was no distance. In their time apart, she had fallen for Zak but at the same time, she continued to love and long for Lee. Breath escaped her. She was drowning on dry land. She was drowning in him. His presence was bringing her up but crushing her. This ghost of a good thing resurfacing once again. He suddenly hugged her in his tight embrace. A smile crossed both their faces. Lee whispered in her ear, "Hi, Kara."

Zak got up off the ground and brushed himself off. "Hey, Lee." Zak smiled at his brother and placed his hands upon Kara's waist. A hint of jealousy crossed Lee's face. Kara put on a fake smile as Zak kissed her on the cheek.

"How are you?" Lee stared intently at Kara. Fixated on the face he hadn't seen in a year. "Both of you?" Lee broke his eye contact with her and turned to look at Zak.

"Well...actually..." Zak trailed off. He cleared his throat and started again, "I have my final flight test on Thursday so I may finally be a certified viper pilot. Kara already cleared me for flight status but the other flight instructors are just going to verify my qualifications." He smiled. "I already sent dad a letter alluding to this, but I'm just going to tell you. Kara and I are getting married." He smiled at his brother.

Lee's face fell. He couldn't breathe. This suffocation quite different from the one he had experienced with Kara. His eyes showed his sorrow as he bored holes into Kara. His eyes like daggers, piercing and ripping her apart. "Congratulations." He put on a fake smile that immediately fell.

"Hey, let's take a picture." Zak ran over and grabbed the camera from their bag. Kara tossed Lee the football and frowned.

She spoke quietly to him, "Meet me here. Tonight. We need to talk." Her eyes serious.

Lee sighed. "Okay."

Zak asked a woman if she would take a picture for them and she agreed. He gave her the camera and rushed back over to Lee and Kara. Zak came back and wrapped himself around Kara. Lee stood with the football in his hand and a tense smile. Kara pretended to be happy though inside, she was breaking. The woman Zak had handed the camera to took the picture and handed both the picture and the camera to Kara. She looked at it and broke. She was falling for Lee again. The walls were deteriorating. The glass was cracking.


	14. Chapter 14: Shattered

Kara had told Zak she was called to the base to assist in some unfinished business and she would be back as soon as possible. This was a lie. She was sitting on a park swing, swinging back and forth slowly. The only noise was the creaking of the rusty chains rubbing up against the metal pole holding it up. Her feet gently grazed the dirt below as she went up, and went down. She wrapped her fingers around the cold metal chains and sighed, unsure if Lee was still going to come.

She wanted to blame herself for where she was today. For all she had done, she believed this is where she should be. She was her own disaster and this was the mess that she had left for herself. Her love-stained hurricane had ceased yet arisen as quickly as it had died. She didn't want to hurt anyone so instead she chose to hurt herself. Yet she had never realized a simple fact, that by hurting yourself, you hurt all who love you. She was finally coming to see that this war within of head vs. heart was going to end tragically for one side no matter what. Were she to choose Lee, she would crush Zak. Were she to choose Zak, it was destroy Lee. In this time of silent thought, she came to a conclusion, whom could she not bear to lose more? Who would _she_ be devastated to lose? And if both of them loved her like they say they did, they would accept the choice she had made. They would allow her to move on with the decision she had chosen. They would be happy for her because if by hurting yourself hurts the ones who care about you, then when you are happy, if they truly love you, they will be happy with you; despite the sorrow they may feel by your passing or letting them go. And so by this thought, she had chosen who it was she was going to leave behind, and whom she was going to be with.

She heard something rustle the bushes to the left of where she sat. A cold breeze flew by and blew her hair into her face. She turned in the direction of the noise and saw Lee. He slowly walked over and sat on the swing beside Kara; the entire time their eyes were locked. The swing made a squeaking noise as he sat down upon it. Kara softly pressed her feet into the ground and stopped her swinging. She turned her body a bit to face Lee and looked him in the eyes. It was dark, but she could still make out his angelic face. She could still see his beautiful eyes. She watched him intently as the air began to fill up with tension, the way it always did when these two were anywhere together.

Lee reached over and put his hand on Kara's and smiled. She was taken aback, but immediately returned the smile. Her eyes turned down to their locked hands. He looked away from her, "Do you love him, Kara?"

She looked back up at him and frowned. A conversation she had dreaded but knew was inevitable. "Yes." She spoke truth. She did love Zak. She didn't want to but she did. Lee's face fell into a sorrowed expression. Kara placed her other hand that was holding the chain upon his cheek and smiled, "But not like I love you. Never like I love you." Lee smiled at her. He stood up and moved closer to her swing. Silence. No exchange of words. He simply stared at her, looking into her soul. It is said that the eyes are the portals to the soul. When Lee looked into her eyes, she became transparent, easier to understand; easier to see.

He leaned in closer to her and placed his hands upon the sides of her warm, rosy cheeks. He froze before going in to kiss, breathing her in before he tasted. This long awaited want coming to be fulfilled. To him, it was always a dream destroyed when awoken. He wanted this moment to last. He closed his eyes and opened them slowly. This was not a dream. This was not an illusion, a fantasy. It was reality. It was Kara. It was he. It was passion, pain, love, destruction, deceit, lies, hurt, and pleasure wrapped up into a beautiful disaster. A runaway train whose carnage was unappealing yet irresistible. He leaned in farther, his soft lips tenderly kissing hers. Their tongues locked and the sparks flew.

The cold air became hot. Kara wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and looked up at him, the passion rising in the air. He lifted her up off the swing, and supported her up. She continued to look at him, the lines had been crossed. Every warning sign was being ignored and every wall had fallen. The year she had spent trying to forget only made his reappearance all the more difficult. She lowered her head and kissed him as he placed his other hand on the pole to keep balance. She pulled away and smiled coyly at him. Her face came closer and her tongue came out. She licked him along the cheek and whispered in his ear, "I guess some things never change."

He smiled and moved his face to her ear and whispered in reply, "Some things never will." He kissed her ear softly and playfully bit it. Kara let out a giggle and began to kiss his neck , her mouth like a parasite, clinging onto him and sucking off him. She made her way to his shirt and smiled.

"Put me down for a sec." She grinned. Lee gave her a confused look and let her down. "Raise you arms." He was the puppet, going along for the thrill. She was the puppeteer, pulling his strings. She lifted his shirt up over his head and tossed it into the grass. Her hands touched his muscular chest and her claws came out. She scratched his sides all the way down until she reached the rim of his pants. Her fingers moved, centimeter by centimeter, closely approaching the button. She got down on her knees and unzipped the zipper of his pants. She demurely looked up at him, her pretense being that she was innocent. This pretense shattered as she quickly pulled down his pants. He looked down at her, smiling. She pulled down his boxers and saw the "Arrow of Apollo" looking back at her.

"I feel cheated." Lee pretended to pout.

Kara kneeled, shocked. "How so?"

He smiled, "Well here, I am, completely naked and yet you still have on all your clothes." He laughed.

She stood up and moved in closer to him, her body closely approaching contact. Her body pressed into his as she kissed him from his chest on down. Her mouth slowly inching from spot to spot, coming closer and closer to the "arrow". Her lips arrived and she wrapped her lips around the tip of the arrow. God-like, erect, tough. She moved her lips farther and farther, his arrow going deeper and deeper into her mouth. Lee looked up to the stars a look of bliss crossed over his face. She moved his lips back across his "arrow" and breathed in hard as Lee began to breathe deeper and faster. She smiled and playfully bit him a bit. Not hard enough to cause pain but enough for Lee to break out of state of euphoria with a shock.

Kara looked up at him and smiled. He looked down at her with a funny face. "So, Lee, that make us equal?" She giggled.

Lee moved his hands to her waist and lifted up her shirt and tossed it into the ground beside his own. He smiled at her. "I love you, Kara Thrace."

She smiled up at him. "I love you, Lee Adama." The lust had left and the love had re-entered. He got onto his knees and pulled her closer to him. He gently pressed his lips upon her stomach and sucked on her like a leech. She smiled and laughed. His lips were tickling her. He moved his fingers to her pants and slowly unbuttoned and unzipped them. His fingers pulled down her pants and he smiled and stood back up.

He lifted her up on top of him and laid her down onto the grass, the passion moving in the air. The patience was gone. This was a long awaited moment, the distant dream. It was finally coming true and time no longer existed. In this moment, it was only they. He kissed her exposed neck like a vampire. Attacking her, loving her. He moved his hands upon her warm, ample breasts and grinned. He laid down on top of her and pushed himself into her body. His "arrow" burrowing deeper and deeper. Her mouth opened and a sigh of pleasure came out. She dug her nails down into his back as ecstasy overcame her face.

She kissed him passionately as he continued to ride her up and down. Her tongue plunging deeper and deeper into his throat as he worked his way farther and farther, faster and faster into her. Her nails drove deeper into his back the harder he came. Lee kissed her neck and smiled down at her. She let out another sigh between breaths as the pleasure overcame her.

The cracked glass completely shattered.


	15. Chapter 15: Stars

Kara laid down in the bed of grass with her eyes turned up to the sparkling stars. Her bare body sunk deep into the ground and a wide smile crossed her face. She turned her eyes to Lee who was staring at her intently, his eyes full of satisfaction and love. He ran his fingers through her hair and rested his hand on her cheek. She rolled over and laid her head down on his chest. This moment screaming infidelities.

Kara closed her eyes and whispered softly as if the trees were listening to this stolen moment, "I'll leave him..." Her relaxed face tensed up a bit as she pressed her sweet lips into the palm of his hand and kissed it tenderly. She opened her eyes and looked in him. She wasn't looking at him for she saw right through him. She saw him stripped, bare...and not just in this such literal sense. She saw who he was without the rank and title before the name. She saw beyond the barriers he had created. She even thought that maybe, just maybe, he could break down the walls she had built to defend herself. Emotion was weakness. At least these were the words Kara was brought up with.

She felt guilty though. She loved Zak but she didn't know what she should do. Her mind kept saying Zak but her heart kept **screaming** Lee. Could she do that to either of them? Could she betray Zak by being in a relationship with Lee...his brother? Sex was one thing. It was not exclusive, it was rule bending. A relationship was more. It had more meaning. By taking that step of commitment, she would completely devastate Zak. But were she to do this and abandon Lee, she would hurt not only him, but herself too. She couldn't help but feel that if she stayed with Zak, she would always wonder "what if".

Lee grinned at her and softly pressed his lips upon hers. He bent his head down towards her ear and whispered, "I love you." Kara smiled and Lee kissed her ear. She was candy in his mouth. Drugs with one touch an addiction. This would never end, no matter the fight or the hate that existed. A love that was more than love. It was attraction, it was sex, it was passion, and it was destruction. They could overcome the world, but could they overcome each other?

Kara looked to the stars, her mind wandering as her eyes jumped from each sparkling star. Each stars a choice and a possible outcome. Some brighter than others. She had decided she was going to be with Lee. "I'm going to tell Zak after he passes his flight exam." She smiled wider. "And I love you, too." Some of the stars were prettier than the others. The infinite possibilities.


	16. Chapter 16: Looks Like Tragedy

Kara's eyes showed her complete devastation. Her eyes echoed her sorrow and pain. She fell down upon the floor and broke down. Tears flowed down her face like streams to which nothing could stop. Helo kneeled down beside Kara and hugged her tightly. A tear fell from his eye at the sight of seeing Kara, the frak up, loud mouth, unafraid of anything, breaking down and crying. He leaned in and hugged Kara. At first it was not wholehearted but then he held her tighter. She slowly put her hands upon his back and returned the hug.

He backed away and looked her in the eyes, his face showing his sympathy. Kara was his best friend. He hated seeing her hurt so much. Zak had become a friend of his over time too. His untimely death brought much sorrow with it. A black cloud hung over everyone in the base and the thunder had yet to begin. The rain had yet to fall. Helo had seen all the people trying to console her with words but all were shot down. With the sincerest voice he could muster, he spoke, "I'm truly sorry, Kara."

She looked down at the cold concrete ground as the knuckle draggers pulled out Zak's dead body from the crashed and burned viper. She whimpered and turned her eyes away. Tears fell faster and she turned her head down to the ground; her hair falling into her face. The viper had come in too hot. There was no way to stop it. Kara was forced to stand there, powerless. The sight of his dead body too much for her to handle. Helo placed her cheek into his chest and tried to console her.

He sighed slowly. "Listen, Kara. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You couldn't have helped him. Don't blame yourself for this tragedy. The gods do everything for a reason. We may not see it, but there is one."

Kara wanted to smack Helo. She looked up at him with grief stricken eyes. "But, it was my fault." She turned her head away from him in shame.

Helo gave her a puzzled look. He didn't understand what she had said. _What does she mean?_ He knew this wasn't the time to ask though, not when she was clearly grieving.

A woman walked over to them. A fresh face. One unseen. Someone new. Kara wiped away her tears and picked herself up off the floor. She and Helo turned in her direction. Her beauty, immediately attracted, stunned helo. The woman tried to smile but given the situation, eh found it hard to smile.

She cleared her throat and extended her hand to them, waiting for someone to take it. Kara just stared at her. Helo saw her reaction and immediately shook her hand. She smiled and spoke, "My name is Sharon Valerii. I've just been assigned to the battlestar Galactica." She looked at both of them, waiting for a response. Silence.

Helo broke it. He cleared his throat, "My name is Karl. Karl Agathon. My call sign is Helo."

"Did you say Galactica?" Kara inquired. Her mind remembered Bill Adama, Zak's and Lee's father who was recently reassigned to be in command of the Battlestar Galactica. He had been in command of the Valkarie but the reason he had been reassigned remained unknown. No one except his superior officers knew why he had been "demoted" to working on Galactica.

Sharon looked at Kara, "Are you Kara Thrace?" She looked sympathetically at Kara. She could tell by Kara's reaction to the sound of the name Kara Thrace, she was she. "Bill Adama is here. He has requested a meeting with you." Sharon saw Bill Adama and walked with Helo out of the area. Bill steadily approached her...


	17. Chapter 17: Guilt

Kara was talking to one of the deck hands that had removed Zak's body from the cockpit of the burning viper. His hands were covered in blood. Zak's blood. Kara had to turn away from him in order to stop herself from breaking down again. He was talking but his voice was coming in and out. She could hardly hear him talking anymore; his mouth moved but the words were drowned out. "...morgue...Adama..." His voice cut in and out through her drifting mind. The words she did hear were like knives being jabbed into her already damaged heart. She shook her head and said nothing. The man gave her a consoling look. One of those looks where the person thinks they know what your going through and feels bad for you. A fake gesture of caring. A look seen so much yet rarely meant.

The deck hand sighed and left Kara alone. She turned her eyes to the ground when she saw two black shoes in front of her. Her eyes darted upward and found a man taller than she, standing before her. He was in uniform; commander's pins upon his collar. He wore a grieved expression and Kara immediately knew who this man was. She stood up straight and saluted him. The way you're supposed to greet your commanding officer, even if it is your deceased fiancé's father. He waved her off and she put down her hand. Both stared at each other. Kara couldn't begin and Bill didn't know where too. Kara moved her lips but found her speechless.

Bill cleared his throat and began to clean his glasses; a trick to avoid eye contact and break the awkward setting. "You are Lt. Kara Thrace?" He questioned as he continued to rub his shirt across his glasses.

She sighed and tried to search for her lost voice. Quietly, she spoke, "Yes, sir." She looked down to his hands. 

"Zak mentioned you. He spoke highly of you. He wrote me a letter and I was hoping you could explain to me what he meant when he said he had a surprise to tell me." His voice was stern and his eyes calm. He knew what it was but he wanted her to tell him.

"We were..." Her voice trailed off and she crossed her arms, about to begin again. "We were---"

"You were engaged. Weren't you?" 

She cleared her throat once again. Her voice a little louder this time, "Yes. I just...I know it was against.." She turned her head to the wall on her left. She couldn't look him in the eyes.

"He loved you deeply. I can see you felt the same way." Bill looked about ready to break down too. His eyes looked as if he had been crying prior to his arrival on the air base. 

Both of these people, the ones closest to Zak, felt overwhelming guilt for their actions. Kara's guilt came from the "favor" she had done for Zak. She had let him pass and that had been his undoing. She had slept with Lee, his own brother, and that was a betrayal. She had been unfaithful. Her pain was greater because of this. What if she had left him and then he had just died thinking that she never truly cared for him? She had made another mess again. She had frakked up again. What was she going to do about Lee? She cared too much to drag him down with her. Her track record with people was terrible. Her mother dead, her father gone, her lover dead...

Bill's guilt came from the strings he had pulled to even get his son into flight school. He knew Zak was not the best at flying but he had so desperately clung to the dream of seeing both his sons in uniform that he couldn't fathom a world without it. He had bribed people, given money, done things, just to see his son advance and be able to even get permitted that far. Guilt. His guilt came from this. Bill had gotten his son to that point, and Kara's 'impaired' judgment had left them where they were right now. On a base, next to a burned viper, in an awkward conversation.

Kara broke the deafening silence, "This really isn't how I pictured meeting you." She chuckled and lightened the gloomy mood a bit. Her best efforts failed her. Her face fell as fast as the smile had come.

Bill tried to smile too but he found this task difficult. "I would like to talk to you over coffee. I think there are a lot of things we should discuss." He was speaking in a friendly tone. He was trying and Kara saw this. But at the same time, Bill wanted to be closer to this woman. This was the woman Zak had lived the past year of his life with. This was the woman who Zak wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He felt that if he got closer to her, he could get closer to his departed son. He could find the vestiges left and cling onto that. The living will always find it hard to part with the dead. Bill felt even guiltier over his real motives for trying to get closer to Kara. His selfish reason.

"Sure." She smiled but she was trying so hard to just keep it together. A tear fell down her face. A small stream reflecting her guilt.

In this moment, Bill was finally seeing how much Kara had truly cared about his son. This emotion, this pain, it broke him inside. His soul was lying in the morgue on the slab next to Zak's. He stepped closer to Kara and her eyes locked with his. Even if his reason for trying to get closer to her was to feel closer to Zak, he still felt this connection with Kara. A connection he couldn't explain. This hurt little girl already felt like part of his family. He pulled his arms around her and held her in his tight embrace.

Kara too felt this connection to this man. Though they had only just met, he too felt like family to her. "I'm sorry." She pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes. Though Bill assumed she was apologizing over the tears she had just shed, she was really apologizing for being a big factor in Zak's death.

"Don't be. It's okay. I understand." He had been uncertain about asking her a question, but seeing her like this, seeing her now, he knew what to do. "I would like to have you transfer aboard the Battlestar Galactica. I think it may be too much to have to make you work on this base now. I was also thinking about taking a few others such as Karl Agathon." 

What was there left for her now? Her fiancé was dead. Her mother had been dead to her long before her actual passing. Lee was a living embodiment of her guilt. Not to mention he was still with Lindsay. Her apartment was crap and wouldn't be missed. The air base housed too many memories that she knew would haunt her. She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. "Yes, sir. I'd like to join the Galactica crew."


	18. The Funeral 1of3: World Built Upon Tears

The light of the sun cast a shining glow of white that fell through the trees and snuck past the green leaves. The sneaking light fell down upon the freshly dug soil where the casket of Zak Adama was to be laid. The air smelt of death as the funeral attendees started exiting their cars with gloomy eyes and sorrowful faces. Such a beautiful scenery but the mood tragic. The wind rustled the leaves and a single leaf fell down upon the freshly cut, green grass. The noise of car doors slamming were the only noises made besides the sobbing cries of the women making their way across the street.

Kara was sitting down upon a stone bench with her hands placed on her lap. She was sitting before a grave not yet old from years of wasting in the cemetery. It was a newer stone, a newer grave. It lay beneath a tree, lost in the shadows. A tear slipped down her face as she read and reread the epitaph upon it. Bill silently made his way over to her and read what the epitaph said. He heaved out a long sigh. Kara already knew he was there and wiped the tear from her eye. Bill sat down besides Kara and placed his hands on her shoulders to console her.

Kara smiled a fake smile. She was trying to convince Bill she was okay but she couldn't even convince herself she was okay. She cleared her throat, searching for the right words to say. Death steals the breath of the youth and the elderly. It has a way of stealing the breath of those left living. Kara felt the pain to breathe. She had been unfaithful to Zak. Her guilt still racked her mind. It pained her to think of the pleasures she had sought and who it was she had sought them from. She hung her head and opened her mouth, exhaling slowly; sadly. Another tear found it's way down her cheek. It slipped down her lips and fell to the ground.

_Maybe the grass had not been made green and fresh by the water from the sprinklers. Maybe the tears of those who come here to mourn and grieve for there lost loves or their lost friends cause the green. Maybe in this world, we receive and we have things stolen. We take our blessings and receive the curses. For everything to continue forth and not stop, we must lose. We must gain and then have something taken. A cycle. An endless circle. Our tears replenish the world from which we are born. We continue this cycle. We live and we lose. We all will die one day. It's only what we do in this day that defines us. Will we be remembered forever? Will our lives have some importance in the world around us? Or will we greatly impact the life of someone else who will in turn impact the life of another and so on and so forth so that they will do something that will change the world? Maybe we just don't know yet the importance of the decisions we make. We don't see that the outcomes that affect those around us, may one day affect others we will never meet in our lifetime. _Kara thought silently to herself. The words in her head could not be spoken. She was still stuck in between a land of living and a land of the living dead; those struck with grief, holding onto that which should be let go.

"It's true. What it says about her." She laughed. "Fierce and fiery. Heart of stone but caring." Another tear fell down upon the green grass. Another tear to build the world upon. "Almost everyone dies before they have actually lived." She turned her head in Bill's direction and smiled, "Do you believe in the Gods, sir?" Her eyes showed a longing for someone to be her friend in her time of need.

Bill was more than willing to comply. He wanted to be a father to her. A missing part of her life now found. A lost part of his life now regained. His son was dead, to be buried in the dirt today yet he had found something, someone, who was lost and he had taken her under his wing. He wanted to help her. He wanted to guide her. He wanted to be like a father to this poor lost girl who had been misguided, mistreated, and had lost so much. He looked into her eyes and he saw her potential. She was _special._ She was destined for more than a life of pain and grief. She was destined for greatness.

"Not really. I'm more of--a skeptic." He chuckled and Kara giggled. "And don't call me sir." He gave her a warm smile.

All her life she had longed for acceptance from someone, anyone. She had for so long wanted a lover to love her unconditionally, yet he had wound up dead and she had feared that Lee would be soon to follow were he to be with her. But Bill, he was like the dad she had not gotten to know well. Her father had left when she was young. Too young to remember. Kara always dreamed he'd come and rescue her from the cruelty of her mother. She had convinced herself he had left because of her and with the child abuse and that, she hated her mother. Despised her. Yet she loved her. Her twisted sense of life had made Kara stronger. She only ever wanted her approval. She wanted to hear her mother say she was proud of her. Never did those words spill from her cold lips. Her mother had destroyed her and yet had made her into a warrior. Fearless of all except one thing. One thing was she terrified of: Death. And now here she was in a cemetery.

"I believe in the gods. I try to. I have to believe that there is a reason for why people die before their time. There has to be a reason for it. If I don't have this belief..." Her head fell and her eyes looked down to her hands. Her hands reminding her of the fractures, the breaks, the pain. "...then I have nothing. I have to have faith. Hope. That's what keeps me going in the face of the unknown. Hope of survival. Hope that you can overcome all that life throws at you. In my case, I tend to handle things wrong but that's not the point." Kara laughed and Bill smiled. "I learned a long time ago that life is hard and I learned that crying solved nothing. It didn't bring the dead back to life. It didn't change the things that made me cry. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. Sure, I substituted alcohol for tears but I at least learned to be stronger. And I think everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't made that switch from tears to alcohol, I would have never gone to a bar to drink myself away. I would have never met a man with the last name Adama. And though he's now gone, he left me with someone else to call friend." She smiled at Bill. "He also showed me that I could be loved and that I could accept that love. Loved ones never leave us slowly. They leave us as fast as they came with nothing but shattered dreams and broken memories. And now, my acceptance is gone and I don't know if I can accept that love again from any other."

Bill wiped the tears from her cheek and tried to fight back his own. "I always wanted a daughter. Someone who I could be protective over. Someone who would bring home the wrong guys and I would disapprove of. I could shoot my death glares at him at the dinner table and tell her that she deserves better. Someone to be my little girl. My wife believed, both times, that she was going to have a girl. So both times, I expected to have a girl. Both times it was a boy. I was never disappointed. I was blessed with two sons but I still wish we could have gone for three. Third ones the charm." He smiled. "I guess that if the gods are who are pulling the strings, then I'll believe in that for my son may be gone but he has left me with a new gift. He has left me with you." He smiled. "I've only known you for a short time but I care for you, Kara. You're a vital part of the crew and you've become family to me. The gods have taken and now I have been given something else. Something unexpected yet appreciated nonetheless." He leaned in and hugged Kara who gingerly stuck her fingers on his shoulder, tears welling within her eyes.

In this moment, she had gained after a great loss. A balance restored. Received after a taking. She had wanted someone to believe in her. She needed someone to believe in. She had found it. Though she had thought that it would be the man she would one day call husband, it wasn't the case. She had found the man she would one day consider a father. A man that believed in her. A man to love her like a daughter and care for her like a father would. He would be the man that would tell her she deserved better. The man that would scare away the undeserving men. She had found her light in her dark hour.

The wind rustled the leaves and a single leaf wafted along with the wind. The leaf gently glided to the tombstone that Kara and Bill had been looking at. The words were engraved in the stone "Socrata Thrace. Devoted Mother. One Hell Of A Woman. She'll Never Be Forgotten." Bill stood up and patted Kara's shoulder before heading off in the direction of the priest. Today was a mournful day but it her conversation with Bill had lightened the burdens upon her soul.

She looked down at her damaged hands. _Maybe some scars will never be forgotten but maybe they can heal. They'll heal but the signs of the damage will always remain. My scars may one day be fixed. May one day be healed. They could be helped but never forgotten. Maybe the damage done could one day lessen and my heart will love again. You gave me this gift, Zak and for that, I am forever grateful. If I could tell you just one thing. It's that I'll be okay and that you shouldn't worry about me. Worrying is wasteful and useless because I'll be okay. I'll be fine. I won't drown myself with tears of despair over your untimely departure. I'll have faith in the plans the gods have laid and I will believe that this is the way it was meant to be. Though I miss you, I'll be okay. I'll never forget you. I am not broken. I am damaged. Death visited me and stole away your life. I'll live my life out for the both of us. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry about my infidelities. I'm sorry I couldn't remain yours. With these damaged hands, this damaged soul, I will live without worry. I will live without care. You helped free me from some of the constrictions of my life. Thank you. I love you._ A tear fell down her face as she fell to her knees and slowly crawled to her mother's grave.

_Momma, I'm sorry for leaving you alone. I'm sorry for abandoning you. I never meant what I said. I was upset. Upset that all I ever did was never enough for you. I was angered over you never saying you were proud of my accomplishments. You constantly belittled and beat me. I want to believe that there was a reason for this. You made me stronger. Your passing has helped me deal with Zak's but I can't accept your death. I was afraid. Afraid that I couldn't bear to see you die. I've never watched anyone die. I've seen the bodies but I've never watched someone's life leave them in a single breath. I wasn't strong enough. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I don't make you proud. I loved you though. Despite your cruelty, I loved you more than you may ever know. You were a bitch, but you were my mom. You raised me. You supported me. Though you beat me, I want to believe you loved me. _Kara ran her hands across the cold tombstone and closed her eyes. "Momma?" She whispered softly. "Did you ever love me?"

The wind blew through the trees. Maybe the wind whispers the secrets of others yet it's whispers are too silent to be heard. Maybe the dead try to speak to us through the wind. Words we can't cling to from people we can't even see. The departed are like the wind. They are ever present yet never seen. We exist because of them. Kara's words were whispered into the wind and were only heard by the trees. If a tree could speak, imagine the wonders it would speak of. Imagine the murders and lies it has heard. But some things should remain unheard. And maybe some things are left to be unknown.

A tear fell down Kara's face. It's a sad world. A world where the people are their own worst enemies and the murderers make sense. A crazy world where people kill for the shoes on another's feet. Where the good die young and the evil lives on. The tears cleanse the world. Such a sorrowful thing. A world built upon tears.


	19. The Funeral 2of3: Goodbye To You

The picture of the deceased Zak Adama sat in a plastic black frame upon a stand to the left of the white casket where he would be laid to rest. All that remains of him now is the distant memory of his face and the sharp sound of his name. One day, there will be nothing but a blurred face of a handsome man lost in an accident. He'll become one of the lost who drift to a place of the forgotten. His passing was saddening. The faces of all the funeral attendees were filled with grief and sorrow. Not one wore a smile and not one showed a glint of happiness. The grass was a beautiful green that glowed as the sun beat down upon it. The wind was nice and cool as the trees rustled about yet the air wreaked of pain and despair. Not a person there looked to the greater purpose; that the gods have an unseen plan. Men are not gods. They don't see the purpose so they search for a reason. Their final conclusion is that it just is. But it isn't. It is never is as it seems. There is more to everything but we just don't know it. We don't see the meaning and so we cry and we curse the gods but we don't see. Zak's death served a higher purpose. His death brought Kara to Bill Adama and Bill Adama transferred her aboard the Battlestar Galactica. In two years, the cylons would come in and overrun all that was once considered home. But because of Zak's untimely passing, Kara would be safe aboard the Battlestar Galactica. We cannot see the future therefore we do not see the purpose.

Kara silently walked towards the burial site. Her feet lightly touched the ground as if one wrong step would result in her falling into the dirt and being buried beneath the grounds of time. Her soul was slipping and her mind was racing. She couldn't bear to be around the man she considered a father in front of the grave of his son, who she felt, she had killed. Though she hadn't put a gun to his temple and shot him, she felt as if she had. That by her passing him, she killed him. She was to blame. Her. No one else but her. The noise of the sobbing people around her crushed her inside. She wished she could run away but she knew she could never forgive herself if she did. She knew that this is where she should be. This was where she belonged. All her past mistakes were before her now and she had to face them. She had to face the one man she loved and face the one she had lost. She wished she could disappear and fade into wind. The cold light of day beat down upon her. She felt no heat. She felt no warmth. Lost. She was lost in herself; washed away in the harsh tides.

--------------

Lee stepped out of a black car. His black shoes clapped down as they hit contact with the tar ground. He squinted at the bright light. It was a drastic change from the darkness in the car. Lee turned around and extended his hand out to his mother. She clasped tightly onto his arm and pulled herself up. She was drunk. Her eyeliner was streaming down her face with her tears. Little black rivers of sorrow running down her face. Lee was hurting, sad, broken. His brother was gone and he blamed all of this on his father. He knew why Zak was in the military. He knew how he had come that far. He needed someone to shovel his guilt onto. Kara and his tryst in the park was like a stab in the back to Zak. He felt bad and felt guilty. He felt as if he had let down his brother and now he could never apologize. Ashamed. He was ashamed and he wanted to push all of that onto his dad. He wanted to hate Bill and blame him for something that neither of them could have seen coming. It was irrational but that's how Lee could live with himself. That was how he got by.

He held his mother onto his arm and slowly slipped away into his mind as they walked towards the funeral site. He hated his mother just as much as he hated his father but for different reasons. His father emotionally abused him and his mother physically abused him. Part of the reason he had always been envious of Zak was because he was their mother's favorite. She loved him and she hurt him less. Lee being the older brother, tried to step in and take most of the abuse. He took the hits to spare his brother yet Zak still got the girl in the end. Zak swooped in and stole her away. He couldn't help but be angry with his brother for passing away. It wasn't his fault. He knew that Zak didn't want to die. But Zak's death took away any chance he ever had with Kara. He loved her so much but he knew she would shut him out. He knew she would push him away. He wished he could be anywhere but here. He couldn't bare to be around her and not be able to touch her. He felt terrible that he was at his brother's funeral and still wanted her. He was going to be around three people in the world he could never stand up to. Surrounded by the people he loved the most in the world yet hated them just as much: his mother, his father, and the love of his life.

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Kara's feet planted themselves down besides Zak's grave and a look of forlorn crossed her face. Empty. She was slowly losing herself. She felt as if she could just lay down in the dirt and allow them to bury her alive. So much guilt and so much blame. This burden was weighing her down and the pressure was crushing her. Her secrets were like a necklace around her throat that slowly turned her blue. Choking her. Killing her. Being around all these people mourning Zak's loss completely destroyed her. She was silent yet inside she was screaming. She was bleeding internally so no one could see. She had lost her mother, never really knew her father, killed her lover, and abandoned another. What was she? Was she destined to frak up? Was she meant to hurt everyone around her? She couldn't help but feel helpless. She could take on the world but she couldn't face down herself. The mirror was her enemy and Zak was the one who had broken it. She knew she shouldn't have let him in and look what her weakness and brought. Pain, grief, sorrow, tears.

_Nothing good in this life lasts. Sex, anger, hate, love, life, it's all just moments. Its just minutes. I live for the moments that make me happy and die for the ones that make me cry. I mess up and I hurt people around me. But I don't just hurt them, I hurt the others who care about them. I break myself constantly and try to pick back up my broken pieces. I'm better off alone. I can't hurt anyone that way. I can't destroy anyone else. I live for this moment. These moments. This breath. This second. This is life. This is it's meaning. We don't live based around our good times and bad. We live on the moments that make us happy. We breathe in the moments that took our breath away. That's what we hold onto. That's all I have left to cling to. I break yet I tape myself together. My scars are there to remind me that I have to hold on. I can't let go. I can't slip away and lose myself again. I can't be weak. Isn't that what Momma taught me? Weakness was bad. She was right. My weakness brought on the death of another. Weakness. I can't be weak. I can't give into Lee. I have to stay strong. I'll break myself to save him, but I won't be weak. _Kara thought to herself. She was about to commit suicide of the soul. She was going to let go of the one of the last things she had so desperately clung to. Something she believed would work out in the end. It was what kept her going but now it was the one thing that brought her down.

-----

Lee arrived at the funeral site with his mother still clasping onto his arm. He stood across from Kara and stared into her. Her eyes were down and she appeared to be drowning in thought. He could see she was fighting back tears and all he wanted to do was tell her it would be okay. He wanted to tell her it was alright. It was in that moment that Lee knew what had to be done. He knew that they had to part ways. If something is meant to be, it will work out in the end. He couldn't do this to her. He wanted her but it was selfish. She was hurt, broken, torn. For him to be with her now, he felt like he would be taking advantage of her in her current state. That's not who he was. That's not something he could do. It would kill him, but he had to do it. He had to let her go.

--------------

The funeral began but both Lee and Kara were lost in thought. Minutes passed. Time felt as if it had stopped. Lee was motioned to place his brother's pins down upon the coffin. He slowly stepped away from his mother and placed his down upon the coffin top. He didn't immediately move his hand. This was his final goodbye to his brother. Their final parting of ways. He turned his head down and looked away. Slowly, he turned back around and held onto his mother. The coffin descended into the ground making a clicking sound every foot it dropped.

Kara snapped at the sound. A tear fell down her eye and Bill held her hand. Her eyes watered up as Zak was placed down beneath the ground. A fallen friend, a beaten brother, and a lost lover. He was dead to the world yet his presence lingered about. The crowd began to disperse and Lee's mother ran off. Bill let go of Kara's hand and gave her a warm, comforting smile. He went after his ex-wife leaving Kara and Lee alone.

Lee looked up at Kara and made his way towards her. He stood by her side but she didn't look up. She had her eyes fixated on Zak's grave and his eyes were focused on Kara's beauty. They were silent but both of them knew what was coming. Both of them knew that this was the bitter end.

Kara darted her eyes in his direction and slightly opened her mouth. A tear fell down her cheek and Lee immediately brushed it away with his hand. She closed her eyes, unable to looked at him. "Lee..."


	20. The Funeral 3of3: The End

"...I love you." Kara spoke softly as their eyes locked onto each other's. She was looking into his soul and seeing the man she truly cared for. She was seeing the one she wished she could have. But this was what they both knew had been coming. They both knew that it just couldn't be. They could come up with a thousand reasons why they should be together, but then they'd come up with a million excuses for why they shouldn't. It was as if they were pushed together by attraction, sexual tension, and love, but pulled apart by pain, tragedy, and fear. They could overcome the world but they could not overcome each other. Neither believed they were good for the other. Kara knew, in her heart, she would destroy Lee. He was too good a man and she couldn't be selfish and take that away from him. Lee knew Kara was destined for greatness; that the world would not hold her back. He didn't want to be the one to hold her back.

Lee turned to face Kara. He looked down at her and saw her suffering and pain. He wished, more than anything that he could love her and be with her. Lee wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in slowly. She placed her fingertips onto his back and rested her chin into his chest. A single tear fell down her face but she made no noise. Their breathing was shallow and seemed to be in unison. In that moment, they became one. Lee turned his lips to her head and gently kissed it. "I love you, too." Their warm embrace drove away all the cold emotion of the funeral. The sun seemed brighter, the air seemed warmer, and everything felt right. Nothing is as it seems though. Nothing is ever wrong but nothing is ever right.

Kara pulled herself away from him and wiped away her tear. She looked away, unable to look him in the eyes to say goodbye. How she wished things could be different. How she hoped that everything would one day work out and they could find a way to be together. Fate played them for fools and brought them to this point, the point of no return. "And I always will but you and I both know we can't do this. We can't."

She walked over to the bench where she had spoke to Bill an hour earlier. She sat down upon it and looked at all the graves in the cemetery; the ones with flowers and the ones without. The people forgotten and the people still loved. Kara hadn't visited her mother's grave since her funeral. She felt terrible, as if she had been a frak-up in her mother's eyes and that she was shaming her everyday she messed up. She didn't want to do the same thing to Zak. She promised herself she would visit his grave. She promised herself that she would not forget him. Kara didn't want to shame his memory by being with Lee. Betraying his lost life by forgetting him. She placed her head in her hands and let out a sigh.

Lee sat down besides her and put his hand upon her lap. She was vulnerable, distraught, guilt-ridden. He wanted to help her. It was then he realized that this was the closest he had really ever been with Kara. Sex was just a physical connection. It sometimes meant more but this was the closest, emotionally, he had ever been to her. She had a wall that seemed unbreakable but he had found his way in. He had gotten to her, gotten under her skin. Lee had become her drug. She craved a fix. She needed his touch. Kara couldn't push him away completely. She wanted one more hit but she resisted. She fought herself. Head vs. heart. For once, her head was winning.

Kara laughed and Lee looked at her confused. He failed to find anything humorous. He stared blankly at her. Kara turned to face him with a big goofy grin on her face. "Do you think it would have worked? If I hadn't--" She started but Lee cut in.

"Kara, we can't live in the if's and and's. What is just is. We can't undo what's been done. I wish we could. I wish I would have told you how I felt. I wish things were different but they aren't and they can't be. We're stuck. Trapped by things we couldn't control." Lee looked down at his feet and closed his eyes.

"Sucks." Kara giggled, trying to make light of the situation. Lee chuckled with her. "Promise me one thing, Lee." She looked at him.

He raised his head and looked at her with sincere eyes. "Anything."

She smiled, "Just always be my friend. Promise me that. That you'll always be my friend." She turned away from him. "I know I'm a mess. I screw up. I hurt people. I fight with them for no reason. Just promise me you won't leave." She looked at him, "Promise me we'll always be okay." Kara extended her hand to him. "Friends?"

Lee looked at her hand and resisted a frown. He knew that they would never be just friends. She knew they would never be just friends. You can't be just friends. They'll fight and they'll frak and they'll love but they can't go back to the beginning. Lee was right about one thing, things can't be undone. They'll never be as they were. They'll always be tainted by past memories. The taste of her lips, the scent of her hair. The touch of his skin, the warmth of his smile. The feelings would not just disappear. They'd be ever present. They'll pretend to be friends, but that's not all they'll be. That's something they can never be. He grabbed her hand and smiled. "Friends."

A lie. A lie they both desperately clung to. They knew they should let go of the hope they had. They should resist the feelings but neither could let go. Both of them held onto the hope and clung to the dream. They loved each other too much to just walk away completely. The feelings wouldn't disappear. Every night spent with another would be a night they longed to feel the sun again. Every time they laid in the bed of another, they'd feel the cold. Only together would the warmth return. They were nowhere warm. They were nowhere at all. The vivid colors disappeared. The light became cold once again.

Kara stood up and smiled at Lee. "Bye, Captain."

"Bye, Lt."

They'll never be friends. They can never be just friends. The moment she walked away, his heart stopped beating. The moment she left him, the world felt darker.

THE END

Sequel story: Beautiful Oblivion


	21. The Alt Ending, Explicit Content

**The alternate ending. Part 2** originally ended like this:

Lee stood besides Kara but she didn't move. She didn't look up from Zak's grave or even take notice of Lee's presence. She tried to ignore him, to forget him. Lee locked his hand with Kara's and looked down at the ground. Kara had caved in, disgraced, disgusted with her display of affection right in front of Zak's grave. Lee was Zak's brother. How could she continue to do this? How could she continue on with something like that?

She couldn't tell if Lee was trying to console her or if he was doing more. Thoughtless. Kara turned her eyes to Lee and spoke softly to him as if the trees would reveal their best-kept secrets. Like the wind would carry their words to the ears of another. "I had a dream last night. I was an angel with both my wings broken. I was falling, descending to the ground and I couldn't stop. Something was wrong. I hit the green grass of a cemetery and felt cold rain pour down on me. I found myself looking at an unmarked grave. I had this insatiable urge to dig it up and find out who was in it. I rammed my nails into the ground and dug further and further. The grave was only 2 feet under the dirt. An accident? A mistake? I didn't care. I pried open the coffin and found the body within." Kara pulled her hand away from Lee's and looked away.

Lee looked at her, puzzled. He wanted to know the end. He wanted to hear the story's conclusion. He turned his head to her neck and rested his chin on her shoulder. He sweetly whispered in her ear. "Who did you see?"

She hesitated before answering. "You." She looked at him with sorrowed eyes and turned to run. Lee tried to grab her but she was gone. Kara entered a nearby mausoleum. Lee followed her.

**Part 3 **was originally written like this:

Kara was sitting down on a stone tomb with her head in her hands. The door slammed shut and Lee walked over to her. It was dark and dank and both of them could hardly see. He stood in front of her. He couldn't see her but he could feel her. Lee placed his hands on the sides of her legs but Kara wouldn't look at him. She didn't want to. Lee gently ran his fingers up her leg.

She hopped off the stone and snapped at him. "Stop it! Just stop it! Look at where we are! His funeral. For the love of the gods just stop it. It's horrible. It's terrible. What the frak are you doing?" She headed towards the door and opened it. Lee placed his palm upon it and slammed it shut before Kara could leave. He placed his hand upon her cheek and she looked away, trying her best to fight him.

He forced her to look at him. "Tell me. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me. Tell me you hate me. You despise me. Tell me you used me. Tell me you faked everything. Tell me you feel nothing when you look at me. When you touch me. When you taste me. Tell me it's nothing. Say it will all go away. Say it never mattered to you. Tell me to leave and not to look back. Say something."

Kara turned her head away from him. Looking into his eyes had broke her. Her walls were crumbling. His touch was soft. Delicate. Beautiful. She couldn't fight him. "I love you too much." She pushed him off her and turned her back to him. "I hate you so much for doing this to me. For making me like this. I despise everything that you make me feel. I used you and it killed me. I faked that I was fine when I let you go. I feel everything just by looking into your eyes." She turned and faced him, tears streaming down her face. "I love the feeling of your skin on mine. The taste of lips is like tasting a drug I can't get enough of. I've tried to make it go away. I've tried to make you go away. But it matters too much to me and it hurts. It hurts. I want to hurt you. I want to make you leave but you won't." She turned her eyes to the ground.

Lee stepped up beside her and placed his hands upon her waist. She looked at him and wiped the tears from her eyes. Slowly, he leaned in and kissed her softly. Sweetness and sorrow fell from her lips. She tried to fight it but she couldn't. She was ashamed. Ashamed of what she was doing and where. Ashamed about who it was with. Dirty deeds that would only be seen by the dead. Kara pulled off Lee's uniform shirt and threw it down upon the ground.

Lee slid his fingers down to her pants button and undid it. He quickly pulled them off her, running his fingers down her legs as he did so. She got down onto her knees and unbuttoned his pants. Her fingers grabbed onto his zipper and pulled them down. She stuck her hands into the back of his pants, feeling his warm skin. Kara grabbed onto the elastic of his boxers and them and his pants down together. She wrapped her fingers around his muscular legs and looked at his erect penis before her. She opened her mouth and moved her head closer and closer.

She wrapped her soft lips around his dick and pulled him in towards her, causing his penis to slide farther and farther into her mouth. She giggled playfully as Lee turned his head upward and slightly as his closed lips opened. He exhaled deeply as Kara began to suck upon his cock as if it were a juicy sucker. Her eyes closed as her tongue caressed the soft skin of his penis. Her tongue wormed around, slithering like a snake. The warmth of her mouth met the warmth of his penis as the ecstasy crossed Lee's face and a smile crossed Kara's.

He grabbed the handle of the door and held on tightly while Kara sucked on his penis like a parasite. He began to exhale harder and faster as he came closer and closer to his bursting point. Kara released his penis from her mouth and pulled away from him. She wiped her lips with her arm and smiled coyly. "Save it, flyboy." She pulled her shirt up over her head and threw it down with the rest of their discarded clothes. She pressed her fingers into his chest and pushed him up onto the door.

She was down to her bra and underwear while Lee was stark naked, his hard penis pressing into her. She grabbed Lee's hands and placed them upon her breasts. He looked down at his hands and saw that Kara was in complete control. She let them sit there as she stood on her tip toes and kissed him with the same tongue that had just been sucking upon something else minutes before. Lee slowly groped her soft, ample breasts like he was searching for the right place to rest his hands.

Kara placed her hands on his and ran them down to her waist. She placed his hands into her underwear and had him pull them off. He ran his fingers back up her legs and placed his hands on her bare ass. Kara smiled coyly and pulled his hands up higher to the back of her bra. She began to nibble at his neck while Lee undid the black bra, her last article of clothing. He threw it down with her underwear and began to maul her neck like a vampire. Her nails dug into his chest leaving red marks.

He moved his head down to her breasts and began to suck upon her nipples. His tongue was now playing with her. She tilted her head back while Lee attacked her. He latched onto her breasts and sucked her in like he was a vacuum. He lifted her up on top of him and a wide grin crossed her face. Lee spun around and fell on top of the slab of stone where she had been sitting minutes before. He pulled himself farther up onto it, Kara still on top of him. Kara mounted him and positioned herself in the right spot. She felt him enter inside of her and a smile of pleasure came upon her face.

She pushed herself harder onto him. He fell deeper into her. Kara placed her hands onto his chest as she pushed herself harder and faster. Euphoria. Love. Sex. Pain. Angst. Emotion. Bursting. Erupting. Kara drove him into her as far as she could, riding him up and down. Lee wrapped his hands around her waist as she continued to thrust on top of him. Hurt. Bliss. Want. Need. Touch. Hard. Taste. Pleasure. A coy smile crossed Kara's face as Lee let out a sigh. She felt the point where the bliss and love and pleasure were at it's highest. He burst inside of her. She slowed down and rolled off of him.

Kara wiped her lips. She couldn't believe what she had just done. Neither could Lee. They both felt dirty. They both felt wrong. They knew what they did was terrible. They were at Zak's funeral and neither could keep it in their pants long enough to honor his memory. Kara picked up her clothes and began to put them back on. Lee went for his as well. Neither spoke. Neither knew what to say. Kara was dressed first. She turned to Lee and frowned. "Goodbye, Lee."

Lee stood there, expressionless. Lost. Before he could realize what had happened, he knew she was gone. Lost to him.


End file.
